It's Getting Closer, and There Will Be Rules

I am now 32 weeks pregnant. Third trimester. Eighth month. The time is coming to discuss visitation and announcements. To be absolutely selfish.
I have not yet published a birth plan, but I can say that the time spent in the hospital will be for myself and my husband, and the other one or two select people attending our daughter's birth.
After I gave birth to Isaiah, my room was flooded with visitors. I was heavily drugged and don't remember a lot of the people who came in.
After I was discharged from the hospital I had not one visitor. Zero. This, among other things, contributed to my post partum depression. I would not wish the feeling of utter loneliness and desperation I felt on anyone.
Our announcement will be on our timing. When my brother in law committed suicide, his friends posted messages on his public Facebook profile for the whole world to see. They had good intentions, but the reality is, they forced us to tell our entire family and plan a memorial service far sooner than we hoped. We didn't get a chance to just be there for each other because we were too busy explaining to my brother in laws friends and all of our family what had happened just hours earlier, and why.
When my pure, innocent daughter comes into this world, it will be without rush, without haste, and our announcement will be on our terms.
There will be no exceptions, no secrets. Just happiness and bliss!

Because Of Reasons

I've seen a lot of social media posts lately explaining or defending certain choices they have made concerning birth, pregnancy, or parenting. I think it's absurd that people feel like they have to make these posts.
But before anyone asks or assumes anything about me and my choices, I just wanted to break the ice first.

I plan to breast feed for as long as possible with my daughter. Sometimes without a cover. In public.

I plan to have a drug free birth experience.

I am having a VBAC.

I am not trying to make a point by doing any of these things.
I will breast feed as long as possible because it is cheaper than formula, and much more natural. I don't feel that being covered is a necessity. Its just not.

I plan to have a drug free experience because I was so hazy from all of the pain meds I was on after my c section that I hardly remember the first two weeks of my son's life. That breaks my heart and I will never get that time back.

I am having a VBAC. If my body will do what it was designed to do, why would I put it under so much trauma by choice unless it's absolutely necessary? I am not naive, I do not believe everyone's birth experience is glorious or it is the same every time.

If I can encourage or inspire anyone by documenting my experience, it would be an honor. But I have never felt the need to defend any of my choices because I believe in them 100%+++.

I am entering my third trimester tomorrow and registering at the hospital this coming Friday. Every day is the last time I will experience this part of pregnancy because this will be my last.
I appreciate all of the support and hope to continue to connect with as many people as possible!

Halfway There!

I am twenty weeks pregnant! I can't believe I have made it half way. I had my second anatomy scan last week and nothing has changed. Summer looks perfect! She has isaiahs nose and lips just like their mommy.
I am getting more and more excited for TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and feeling so empowered to do it on my own!
The MFM doctor said they would like to do one more scan at 28 weeks to make sure nothing has changed, but she has a good feeling that everything is going to be just fine. She also said the umbillical cord is right where it should be and Summer is growing just fine! I am loving this pregnancy and despite everything else in my life that has gone to crap, my pregnancy has been perfect.

Now That the Hurricane Has Been Downgraded to a Tropical Storm

The last month has been nothing short of amazing.
Amazingly insane.

Being caught in the middle of tragedy makes the joy of pregnancy much more complicated.
On June 13, my husband got a phone call while he was in the shower from his mother. "No he f***ing didn't! Are you f***ing kidding me?" Was all I heard as Tyler slammed every door from the shower to the bedroom. My brother in law had been found at a nearby trailhead. He had committed suicide.
Not only was he our brother, he was also our roommate. We couldn't even face going home, because we couldn't bare to walk in without skyler coming in behind us.
We spent the next few days handling the investigation, planning a celebration of life, and still trying to accept what happened.
We have now moved in with my mother-in-law and have plans to buy a house in the next year or so.

I received the final results of my quad screen, and everything's looking normal!

The baby is a little girl 🎀
At 16 weeks she weighed 5 oz.

The only thing they saw was the umbillical cord was on the side of the placenta which places me at a low risk for low birth weight. Which I don't see being a problem.
I am now 18 weeks and my little bean is kicking very strong!

My son broke his femur last week which stuck us in the hospital for a day.
And I had a scare when I locked my son in my hot car in a store parking lot. (everything obviously turned out alright)

Needless to say, I am in dire need of a break. I'm hoping things stay settled down for a little while.

We can breathe... I think!

Yesterday I had my official first prenatal visit with my OB/GYN, which I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to go to! My insurance changed my assigned clinic, and after much freaking out and cursing out the customer service representative on the phone, I found out that my OB/GYN is actually covered under both clinics! Such a relief. I don't do well with change, especially when it comes to doctors!
After taking a quick peek at the baby, my doctor brought up VBAC to me again to make sure that was still our game plan... so after talking about it and signing the consent form, it will be official! She said I couldn't be a more perfect candidate. I am so excited to have such a supportive doctor!

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Today, I went into my sequential screen, which included a thorough ultrasound, and a blood test.

To my pleasant surprise, the doctor reading my results was my high risk doctor from my previous pregnancy! I hadn't seen him since before Isaiah's birth, so that was really cool!

After looking over the photos (...DRUM ROLL...), he said that everything looks normal and we don't have to worry about Spina Bifida!!!

He wants to confirm everything early, so I am also getting an early anatomy scan, which means we will find out if this little bean is a boy or a girl in about a month!
Now that first trimester is over, things are starting to move along much quicker!

And I think I can take a sigh of relief!

Doing it Alone

Nothing makes me happier than being able to stay at home during the week with my son, and that my husband is able to provide for us. But selfishly I am sad that my husband will miss out on my first ultrasound. We tried hard to make this baby together.
At first he was going to be able to go, and then he got called to a job that no one else in his company can do. So I'll be dropping my son off with a sitter, and going in by myself.
My worst fear is that something will go wrong, and I'll be there to go through it by myself.
Now that my appointment is officially less than a day away, my anxiety is getting the best of me.

I am excited, sad, happy, anxious, nervous, all in one.
I guess I just can't wait for the appointment to just... be here already!

First Flutters

Tonight I officially felt the baby moving for the first time!
It's an indescribable feeling, and such a wave of relief came over me.

I drank some super sweet hot cocoa in preparation for the nasty cold that is about to consume my body. I thought I was feeling gas bubbles, but it kept on being in the same spot over and over again.

This is so exciting and relieving for me! I really can't explain how much stress this is lifting off of me. It has felt like an eternity waiting for my first prenatal appointment to make sure my baby is okay, and this certainly makes the waiting much easier.

Single Digits Now, Guys!

I'm now only nine days away from my first REAL prenatal appointment, and ten days from my sequential screen which will tell me if my unborn child has an open neural tube defect like my son.

I have not had a single bout of sickness, although my pregnancy supersmell game is pro.

I've been staying super busy with Isaiah's appointments this month. A lot of annual stuff, and some checkups.
And yet, I still feel bored, so I felt the need to pick up an internship at a local real estate office. Go me!

I will be 11 weeks tomorrow, but I still feel like I'm not quite out of the woods of morning sickness yet. I don't want to be too grateful too soon and regret it later. But I am so happy I have felt this good so far.

I will hopefully write a longer update next week after my exciting appointments, and perhaps I will put up photos of my little bean!

Thank you all for following and supporting me on this journey!

I'm Still Alive

I haven't been able to post much lately, because there's really not much to update you about!

This pregnancy is so far beyond different from my last one, that it's actually freaking me out.

My last pregnancy was so horrible I actually contemplated ever getting pregnant again. I had morning sickness from week seven, clear up through week 17. I only gained two pounds in my first trimester, and by the end of second trimester I had gained 12. Week 18 it was confirmed that my son would be born with Spina Bifida. For those who have never had to endure the news of your baby having a birth defect, it's a feeling like no other. It's mourning the child you thought you would have, but celebrating the amazingly complicated life that you're about to embark on. It's an emotional rollercoaster.
My third trimester, my son was up in my ribs the entire time. He was breach until he was delivered! Having an eight pound breach baby in your uterus is extremely painful. My ribs eventually began to bow out because there was just no room for him! Towards the very end of my pregnancy I became very swollen and borderline preeclampsia.
Not to mention the painful recovery, which put the cherry on top of my not wanting to have another child for a long time.


This pregnancy, I have had nothing, no symptoms to speak of for the last almost four weeks. For the first two weeks I was cramping a lot, and had sore breasts. I thought for sure I would get morning sickness. I was trying not to celebrate the fact that I hadn't had it yet. But I'm going to be nine weeks tomorrow, and I get a slight bought of nausea here and there if I smell something rank, but other than that if I didn't know I was pregnant, I would have absolutely no idea!
Now all I can do is sit and wait for my first actual prenatal appointment on May 27th, which seems forever away! At least I am in the same month now, though.
And hey, I'm in my third month of pregnancy! I like saying that better than counting down weeks. Maybe that will make it go by quicker?
Until next update.... :)

Sequential Screening

I've finally gotten my AFP test scheduled! It seems like forever away. This first trimester seems to be dragging by, especially with how few symptoms I've been having.
I'm not complaining by any means, but I am so anxious now that I actually have a date to look forward to.
This test means everything.
It will determine our course of treatment over the next six months.
It will determine the success of my VBAC.
It will determine my hospital, my doctor, everything.

Please, April and May go by quickly!

First Appointment & Gender Preference

I've been anxiously awaiting my first appointment all day today.

I'm expecting a phone call at 2:30 at which I guess they will ask me 1,000 questions. This is when I will request my Triple Screen Test to rule out (or not rule out) spina bifida. It's hard to believe that already almost a month has gone by since I found out about this pregnancy!

Each step of this pregnancy I try not to take for granted, because I plan on only having two children, so yes this will be my last. That is why this blog, and my VBAC, and everything else is so incredibly important to me.

The one thing that is NOT important to me, is my child's sex.
It's an age-old question; So do you want another boy? Do you want a girl?

Truthfully I do not care. I do not associate the baby inside me as one gender. I don't talk about "he" or "she", I talk about the baby. People who know me know that I do not set expectations because I don't like to be disappointed. I always like to think of things as a positive outcome, no matter what. I do not want to favor one gender, because I do not want that weight on my shoulders. I don't want to be heartbroken or sad with one outcome or the other.

I never really understood why people favor one gender over the other. My odds are 50/50.
I have far different concerns for this baby. I am just happy to be done tracking my ovulation. Halle-freakin-lujah!

I will keep posted following my appointment - wish me luck!

A Normal Pregnancy after High Risk

I feel so weird having a so far normal pregnancy after my last pregnancy went so haywire.
I mean, I'm only six weeks and three days along, so it feels like time is dragging, and I feel like I'm actually six months pregnant, but still.
By this time last pregnancy, I had been to Options 360, a local nonprofit pregnancy facility. I started taking classes and buying stuff for baby. My now husband and I were working our relationship out (he and I were broken up when I found out I was pregnant). I had a free ultrasound at seven weeks pregnant.
This time feels a lot smoother. I feel more connected to this pregnancy. I feel more prepared.

I'm about to get real. But I know I'm not alone in this.
I remember not feeling anything towards my last pregnancy. I was actually quite resentful, because at the time I wanted a clean break from Tyler (my now husband). We had already decided to go separate ways but remain friends. I had just gone on vacation to Reno and California. I was ready to be single and party. But life had a completely different idea, and I hated that.
When I found out my son had spina bifida, I became even more resentful. What am I supposed to feel? I resented everyone and everything, especially Tyler. Everyone was asking me how I was feeling during this pregnancy, congratulating me, telling me how exciting it must be. I was miserable inside. I got so tired of faking it. People telling me how strong I was. It got old. I didn't want a gold star for carrying a special needs child. I just wanted it to be easy.
I had a tough time breast feeding because I was so resentful still, even after delivery. I developed postpartum depression, and blamed that on everyone else as well. It took me about six weeks to acknowledge that my son was my son. It took me a long time to get used to calling him my son, or to even tell him I loved him.
This is not because I didn't love my son. It's because I was scared of the unknown.

Now I have to embrace the unknown now, or I will go crazy.
I will have my blood test to screen for spina bifida in about four weeks, and confirm a few weeks later.
That is my finish line right now.

This pregnancy was completely planned out, so I knew exactly what kind of emotions I would face.
Time. Is. Dragging.

But I look at it as a good thing. My OBGYN doesn't want to see me until 12 weeks, which means she isn't worried, and I should follow suit.
Worried is not the right word, though. As soon as I find out if this baby has spina bifida, I will be able to sigh a breath of relief either way. I am prepared for either outcome, and I will be more seasoned this time around.

Bridging the Gap

Is it just me, or does it feel like pregnant women seem to be this completely different species of women?

It seems like, specifically if a woman is showing, people don't really know what to do or say to them.

Or if they're not visibly pregnant, people assume they don't struggle at all.
I am barely pregnant and already I struggle to put on my jeans (I've been living in leggings). I struggle to sleep, but yet I'm tired all the time. I struggle to keep my cool sometimes.

I wish some pregnant women didn't put themselves on pedestals. I'm pregnant, I'm not disabled. I'm not a super hero. I'm a human who is simply growing another human, and sometimes I may need help.

To bridge the gap a little bit, here are some common questions and my answers to them:

When are you due? December 8, 2015
Do you want another boy? People commonly mistake that I want one sex over the other. I truly couldn't care less. I just want a baby.
What are the chances of another spina bifida baby? 2 to 5%. Which seems small, but when put in comparison to a woman who has never had a baby with SB, it's monumental. Her chances are 0.001%
Are you scared? No. I was, but I can't be. I fear that maybe in the future, my son may be jealous of my younger child, but that will be dealt with when the time comes.

And please, if a woman looks like she needs help, at least make an offer.
I was 9 months pregnant with my son in a grocery store. I forgot a cart, so I piled a pack of Gatorade on top of a pack of waters to take to the register. The Gatorade slid off the water, so I had to put the water down, and restack it. All the while, people were passing me, glancing like I was some kind of zoo animal. Only when I was already almost to the register did someone offer to help, when I sarcastically declined considering the conveyer belt was right in front of me. Thanks a lot.

My point is, don't be afraid to offer help. And most of the time she will accept. If she declines, do it anyway. We don't want to be patronized, but we don't want to be left alone either! (I'll cover loneliness in a future post!)

Forum Drama

As a part of TTC, I became a part of several forums.
Once I received my BFP I joined a Due in December group. I didn't know what to expect, but my hormones and emotions are getting the best of me, and I left the group.
Too many people were worrying about miscarriage and other issues, and that's not something I really want in front of me every single day.
I'm not naive to think that miscarriage isn't a possibility, but I shove it as far back in my mind as possible, and that's not really an option when it's constantly rolling across my Facebook newsfeed.
So I'll hopefully be blogging more these next few months since I don't have anyone to talk to about my pregnancy!

I called my clinic to book my first appointment, whether or not my OBGYN will want to see me early is my main concern. I know I'm not high risk yet, but there are risks involved in my pregnancy.
So now it's the hurry up and wait game (which I am used to, thank you military).
I am waiting on insurance to approve my request, and they are backed up so I have no idea when the request will process. So for now I just get to wonder.

Nothing too exciting has happened. I'm just feeling the lovely effects that pregnancy brings in the first trimester, but today I actually felt pretty good.
My husband and I couldn't be happier about this pregnancy. I am so excited to share this journey with you all!

March BFP! (TMI)

My husband and I finally got our BFP after six cycles TTC after getting my Mirena removed.

For those of you who don't know, I had an extremely rough c-section experience.
My son was born with spina bifida, and was breech at time of delivery. My husband said they were very rough with my body, and the doctors told me a wider incision had to be made because of the way my son was facing, and his birth defect. They had to reach in, pull out my uterus, and pull my son out by his shoulders to avoid coming into contact with his lesion.

It was a long, painful recovery and I felt so alone when I left the hospital without my son.
I was home alone a lot, and it made it so much more difficult. I fell into a rough patch, and developed moderate PPD.

It took me 19 months to want to even try for another baby. I had to come to terms with myself on a lot of different levels.
I had to come to terms with the fact that all of the things that I went through, I may have to go through again.
There is a much greater risk for my second baby having spina bifida (2-5%, compared to .001%). There is also a risk of a repeat c-section. There is a risk of PPD again. There is a risk of preeclampsia, which I was borderline by my delivery date. It took me awhile to get used to that idea. But I finally was able to accept all of these risks.
When I got my birth control taken out, I was scared as hell! My IUD was severely embedded in my uterus, and I thought to myself, "If I hadn't taken this leap, my body could have been severely compromised because of this damn thing!"
I had to find something to keep me grounded, to keep me motivated. And that was it. This was the time to start trying. Not only that, but my health insurance lapsed two weeks later without me knowing.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when we began TTC. The emotional ups and downs, and my husband constantly asking me if I was in fertile week, or if his swimmers were working. Although I had fun getting to know my body better, it was stressful and began to take a toll on our marriage.
I finally got my work down to two days a week (on the weekends) and found that my mood is much more elevated and I have so much more time to get things done! The same month that happened, is the month I got my BFP.
I ovulated on St. Patrick's Day so I think the luck of the Irish was with me that day.

And I'm glad to say that I have health insurance again!

I look forward to documenting this amazing journey with all of you.
I welcome all comments, feedback, and shares!