Sequential Screening

I've finally gotten my AFP test scheduled! It seems like forever away. This first trimester seems to be dragging by, especially with how few symptoms I've been having.
I'm not complaining by any means, but I am so anxious now that I actually have a date to look forward to.
This test means everything.
It will determine our course of treatment over the next six months.
It will determine the success of my VBAC.
It will determine my hospital, my doctor, everything.

Please, April and May go by quickly!

First Appointment & Gender Preference

I've been anxiously awaiting my first appointment all day today.

I'm expecting a phone call at 2:30 at which I guess they will ask me 1,000 questions. This is when I will request my Triple Screen Test to rule out (or not rule out) spina bifida. It's hard to believe that already almost a month has gone by since I found out about this pregnancy!

Each step of this pregnancy I try not to take for granted, because I plan on only having two children, so yes this will be my last. That is why this blog, and my VBAC, and everything else is so incredibly important to me.

The one thing that is NOT important to me, is my child's sex.
It's an age-old question; So do you want another boy? Do you want a girl?

Truthfully I do not care. I do not associate the baby inside me as one gender. I don't talk about "he" or "she", I talk about the baby. People who know me know that I do not set expectations because I don't like to be disappointed. I always like to think of things as a positive outcome, no matter what. I do not want to favor one gender, because I do not want that weight on my shoulders. I don't want to be heartbroken or sad with one outcome or the other.

I never really understood why people favor one gender over the other. My odds are 50/50.
I have far different concerns for this baby. I am just happy to be done tracking my ovulation. Halle-freakin-lujah!

I will keep posted following my appointment - wish me luck!

A Normal Pregnancy after High Risk

I feel so weird having a so far normal pregnancy after my last pregnancy went so haywire.
I mean, I'm only six weeks and three days along, so it feels like time is dragging, and I feel like I'm actually six months pregnant, but still.
By this time last pregnancy, I had been to Options 360, a local nonprofit pregnancy facility. I started taking classes and buying stuff for baby. My now husband and I were working our relationship out (he and I were broken up when I found out I was pregnant). I had a free ultrasound at seven weeks pregnant.
This time feels a lot smoother. I feel more connected to this pregnancy. I feel more prepared.

I'm about to get real. But I know I'm not alone in this.
I remember not feeling anything towards my last pregnancy. I was actually quite resentful, because at the time I wanted a clean break from Tyler (my now husband). We had already decided to go separate ways but remain friends. I had just gone on vacation to Reno and California. I was ready to be single and party. But life had a completely different idea, and I hated that.
When I found out my son had spina bifida, I became even more resentful. What am I supposed to feel? I resented everyone and everything, especially Tyler. Everyone was asking me how I was feeling during this pregnancy, congratulating me, telling me how exciting it must be. I was miserable inside. I got so tired of faking it. People telling me how strong I was. It got old. I didn't want a gold star for carrying a special needs child. I just wanted it to be easy.
I had a tough time breast feeding because I was so resentful still, even after delivery. I developed postpartum depression, and blamed that on everyone else as well. It took me about six weeks to acknowledge that my son was my son. It took me a long time to get used to calling him my son, or to even tell him I loved him.
This is not because I didn't love my son. It's because I was scared of the unknown.

Now I have to embrace the unknown now, or I will go crazy.
I will have my blood test to screen for spina bifida in about four weeks, and confirm a few weeks later.
That is my finish line right now.

This pregnancy was completely planned out, so I knew exactly what kind of emotions I would face.
Time. Is. Dragging.

But I look at it as a good thing. My OBGYN doesn't want to see me until 12 weeks, which means she isn't worried, and I should follow suit.
Worried is not the right word, though. As soon as I find out if this baby has spina bifida, I will be able to sigh a breath of relief either way. I am prepared for either outcome, and I will be more seasoned this time around.

Bridging the Gap

Is it just me, or does it feel like pregnant women seem to be this completely different species of women?

It seems like, specifically if a woman is showing, people don't really know what to do or say to them.

Or if they're not visibly pregnant, people assume they don't struggle at all.
I am barely pregnant and already I struggle to put on my jeans (I've been living in leggings). I struggle to sleep, but yet I'm tired all the time. I struggle to keep my cool sometimes.

I wish some pregnant women didn't put themselves on pedestals. I'm pregnant, I'm not disabled. I'm not a super hero. I'm a human who is simply growing another human, and sometimes I may need help.

To bridge the gap a little bit, here are some common questions and my answers to them:

When are you due? December 8, 2015
Do you want another boy? People commonly mistake that I want one sex over the other. I truly couldn't care less. I just want a baby.
What are the chances of another spina bifida baby? 2 to 5%. Which seems small, but when put in comparison to a woman who has never had a baby with SB, it's monumental. Her chances are 0.001%
Are you scared? No. I was, but I can't be. I fear that maybe in the future, my son may be jealous of my younger child, but that will be dealt with when the time comes.

And please, if a woman looks like she needs help, at least make an offer.
I was 9 months pregnant with my son in a grocery store. I forgot a cart, so I piled a pack of Gatorade on top of a pack of waters to take to the register. The Gatorade slid off the water, so I had to put the water down, and restack it. All the while, people were passing me, glancing like I was some kind of zoo animal. Only when I was already almost to the register did someone offer to help, when I sarcastically declined considering the conveyer belt was right in front of me. Thanks a lot.

My point is, don't be afraid to offer help. And most of the time she will accept. If she declines, do it anyway. We don't want to be patronized, but we don't want to be left alone either! (I'll cover loneliness in a future post!)

Forum Drama

As a part of TTC, I became a part of several forums.
Once I received my BFP I joined a Due in December group. I didn't know what to expect, but my hormones and emotions are getting the best of me, and I left the group.
Too many people were worrying about miscarriage and other issues, and that's not something I really want in front of me every single day.
I'm not naive to think that miscarriage isn't a possibility, but I shove it as far back in my mind as possible, and that's not really an option when it's constantly rolling across my Facebook newsfeed.
So I'll hopefully be blogging more these next few months since I don't have anyone to talk to about my pregnancy!

I called my clinic to book my first appointment, whether or not my OBGYN will want to see me early is my main concern. I know I'm not high risk yet, but there are risks involved in my pregnancy.
So now it's the hurry up and wait game (which I am used to, thank you military).
I am waiting on insurance to approve my request, and they are backed up so I have no idea when the request will process. So for now I just get to wonder.

Nothing too exciting has happened. I'm just feeling the lovely effects that pregnancy brings in the first trimester, but today I actually felt pretty good.
My husband and I couldn't be happier about this pregnancy. I am so excited to share this journey with you all!